I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me - Tracee Ellis Ross
I often laugh with my friends when we lament about the monotonous nature of adulting, saying “we wanted to be adults, now look at us! Just a drunken mess looking for an unsubscribe button from just all of it”. Wanting to be “grown-up” was mostly wanting to have autonomy over one’s life and having good (present) parents was just killing the vibe of being a half-dressed, stir-crazy little person running amuck on the street. Then we grew up and discovered the belly of the beast; perhaps this is what parents desired to protect their children from when they said they wish they could remain this innocent. We just had to grow up! The harsh discoveries in the various phases of growing up is something I would like to believe many of us are willing to accept partially because we have wine, and we have sex. Did I lie? Well, access to wine until us sordid South Africans were denied this only pleasure under the regulations of a nation-wide lockdown in accordance with the state of national disaster under Section 27 (1) and Section 27 (2) of the Disaster Management Act. It felt like we must have done something horrible in a past life for what seemed like such a harsh punishment. I am happy to report that we now have access to all the alcohol our hearts responsibly desire.
Alcohol aside (hopefully never again), the effects of being in lockdown will be truly felt years from now and I mean both adverse and favorable effects. The more immediate impact was our autonomy being snatched right out of our hands without a moment’s notice. It did not matter who we were or the extent of our resources or influence, we became the same: stuck at home. The magnitude of these regulations amplified what already existed but could easily be hidden or avoided in the hustle and bustle of life. Now, there was no scampering off to the most exotic island, or for the rest of us there was no “nearest watering hole”. We were suddenly stuck; we may have been stuck in a metaphysical sense or in a job or relationship but a geographical stuckness is not something many of us can attest to knowing intimately, as intimately as we can convey now. Being in lockdown forced many things in, whether we had an aversion to them or quite frankly just refused to deal with them (and you can fill in the details here), we had no choice. The hope now is that we have come to appreciate what we have, learned to not sweep things under the rug, and have become our own biggest advocates.
We have had only ourselves to be with, for the most part, excess of even our own company had the potential to go south, and let us be honest, it did, but something else happened, we discovered a newfound appreciation for self-care and just generally, the self. So, let us keep up the practice of choosing ourselves in this world that is not yet post-pandemic, but it is a far cry from the world we once lived in.
Start with intention
The need to be clear firstly to yourself about what you want or need is imperative, and then to be clear when making requests to others. The murkiness of requests is often associated with politeness, but etiquette should not have a place before one’s intentions. This is common among acquaintances in Cape Town that bump into each other and offer the “we should do coffee sometime” rhetoric. This might seem like the thing to do but the lack of intention in fulfilling these plans often leaves one or both parties with the feeling of wanting. Rather than offering empty invitations or accepting them, kindly decline, or if it is in your plans to broaden your circle then set a date and time and follow-through.
Practice specificity
In a world where our options can and have been taken from us, granted, it was a valiant effort to protect us- exercising the honor of specificity should be a virtue. Our lives have basically been turned upside down and thus maximum effort only affords us minimal results with all the hoops we must jump through to get things done so much that we want validation for our efforts, and rightfully so. If you are the type that needs to be acknowledged, ask for it in no uncertain terms. We all must inch closer to hear through the mask, we are a little closer to the edge of our comfort zone so, we might as well ask for what we want to help us get through what we need to do. We are all vulnerable in some way at this point, might as well go all the way. The point here is to practice courage through clarity; what is the worst that can happen? We know now that being rejected houses in it the fear of putting oneself out there, but rejection is not necessarily about us but rather the incapacity of another to honor your request and, that is okay. We are strong enough to accept this and sit with the discomfort.
Tap into your power
We have lived in a society that was built on the broken backs of people because some deemed themselves more superior. This culture of oppression has pervaded the psyche for generations, across racial lines and even within. Although, the worst of these crimes is that it has convinced us that we are powerless, that our existence is confined within the societal categories we are all reduced to and so, we work ourselves to the bone just to conform. Counterintuitive narratives have been sown in our DNA (think Ertha Kitt “It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit”) to break the cycles of oppression and disempowerment. But that work can only ever take root if you believe it and you show up in this world like you believe you are more than a stereotype, more than your hair or the clothes on your back, or lack thereof. You begin by grounding yourself with your breath, yes, your breath. The force behind the world’s athletes is the same force that you cradle within you; it is the vessel that transports the Dalai Lama into realms of spiritual divinity well beyond this one. We all have this power and with a little bit of practice and a boatload of trust, tapping into the power of your breath can open possibilities to no end.
May you begin the journey back to yourself through the grief, the loss, the uncertainty, fear, and confusion. May the tribulations catapult you into the depths of your soul where your power lay in wait for the great return. “Nothing changes if nothing changes” is the tautology in the voice of the universe calling to you to trust that everything is working in your favor. It is not about finding happiness and living happily ever after, that kind of romanticism makes us reject the life still filled with struggle and heartbreak because none of the movies ever venture into the “happily ever after” chapter, leaving us to dream up a utopia of bliss and perfect hair. The reality is that those of us that have survived the first and second waves of this pandemic are the “happily ever after” many can only dream of from the bottom of their sorrow. What you have is not perfect, nor will it ever be but you have it for a reason so, my invitation to you is to pause and consider what this moment in your life is here to teach you.
With Love,
Landi
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